things i can't tell my friends

Infinite trigger warning: I vent about my ED, PTSD, self harm and history of abuse on here. Don't hesitate to unfollow, I really don't care about followers, I just need place where I can say everything I can't say to the people I care about.

I think I’ve reached that point.
There’s just a few things I need to do first.

Purged this morning and I feel so much fucking better.

trigger warning: all the things

Had a bad night last night. Really bad.

There were two overpowering thoughts:
1) I fucked up. I did this all wrong. I should have told someone about the abuse when I was still a minor. Things would have been so much different and now it feels like it’s too late for me. No one cares about the 23 year-old rape victim, there’s no place for me to go to receive intensive help.
2) It’s never going to get better. I am always going to have all of this in my head. I’m not going to become magically un-abused over time. This is on me forever. I’ll never be clean of it.

So I had this huge breakdown and my mom was freaking out cause I wouldn’t say anything and was just crying & hyper-ventilating. Honestly I just want the people I love to let me go. It’s been too long. Every breath is another disappointment.

I’m working on escaping to the city. But it’s just a band-aid over a bullet hole, and I can’t bleed out fast enough.

Seriously there’s no place I can get treatment unless I develop an addiction or become severely underweight. Trauma is all secondary to these places.
WTF?

I’m trying to find a place that I could go where I could be safe, heal, have professionals around that know what they’re doing and not be exhausted all the time. And I can’t find a single thing.

I was raped. My life is fucked. There is no place for me.

I should have 2 eggs instead of three. They’re full of calories. And cholesterol.

why the fuck am I even eating?