things i can't tell my friends

Infinite trigger warning: I vent about my ED, PTSD, self harm and history of abuse on here. Don't hesitate to unfollow, I really don't care about followers, I just need place where I can say everything I can't say to the people I care about.

I actually miss my little brother. Fuck. We didn’t get a long very well, we’re super different but I miss having conversations with him and learning things from him.

I didn’t think the shunning would last this long. Well maybe with me - I could see him never talking to me again. But I thought I’d accepted that and made peace with it. I guess not.

I’m sick of losing family members. I’m tired of fucking everyone’s life up.

I checked on facebook and people who I’m “friends” with (and/or related to in real life) post the stupidest shit. Ew, get it off me. I can not un-see the stupid.

I want to move to a new city but can’t afford anywhere I want to go. Also I don’t know how to move a place without knowing anybody or anything there.
What is life?

My mom decided to yell at me yesterday because I was spending too much time in bed.
Yeah it’s not like that triggered a thousand flashbacks and just completely demolished my trust in you.
People are so stupid. They’ll tell me what to do or that I’m doing x y and z wrong and what a total failure I am in an effort to get me to “get better” or some shit.
Yeah, I already tell my self that 100 times a day.
You can’t hate me/make me feel shitty enough to “help” me out of my depression.
If that worked I would have hated myself out of this a long time ago.

I’m on my way to purging and I keep thinking “How could I make this time more productive?” Like maybe I could figure out a way to read my book while I’m purging or listen to the news or something.

I have fucking problems.

I have to write it all down. They’re going to need a statement. I just can’t seem to articulate anything and I really want to skip this step.

The dog won’t stop freaking out because she heard me purging. Calm down puppy.

Struggling with the fact that nothing will make it go away
no reporting it
not residential treatment
not therapy
not prescriptions
not support groups
not talking about it
not thinking positive

I’m always going to be a rape victim.

small towns. there won’t be any conflicts of interest at all.