things i can't tell my friends

Residential treatment is interesting. This is some hardcore stuff. We’re in groups basically all day and we have a ton of assignments to do. I’m exhausted.

I need to do laundry and pack. Pack practically everything I own. I’m so stressed, I couldn’t sleep very well because my muscles are all tense and hurt. I think my nerves are also making me nauseated. God I have so much to do. And I’m going to have to wake up early tomorrow for the 5 hour car ride there. Overwhelmed is an understatement.

So it turns out that I’ll actually be admitted to treatment on Thursday. I’m pretty much in shock. After months of my treatment just having one shitty thing happen after another something has actually worked out.

I have a bunch of paperwork to get done and I have to get labs drawn. I need to pack and clean. And since I’ll be in treatment my mom is going to have to move me out of my apartment by herself. So I basically need to pack up everything I own in 2 days. My head is spinning.

You have to have a driver’s license and a car to do day treatment at the treatment center I thought I could get into. But that doesn’t matter cause they’ll probably recommend 24hr supervision aka residential that my insurance doesn’t cover anyway. Fuck everything. How am I supposed to get better when I can’t afford the level of treatment I need? I’m just doomed to be like this forever. I might as well move back home with my mom and not function rather than try to stay her and keep failing miserably at everything and costing tons of money.

Oh I’ll just check the news before I go to bed.

Holy shit things are happening and I must watch the livestream and check twitter incessantly.

I really wanna go home. But being home makes me worse cause then I’m in the same area where all the trauma happened. I’m so frustrated. I just want to feel safe and not have to be responsible for anything major. I’m supposed to be making calls and stuff to figure out treatment but I can’t because I’m too sedated from my anxiety meds or on the verge of having a panic attack. I hate this. I’m too symptomatic to get into some treatment for my symptoms. Fuck everything.

My body has been so tired. I haven’t been able to do things, it’s getting to be pretty bad. I’m so tired I just want to be in treatment already.

I ate a bunch of carrots and now my stomach is huge wtf is happening?