Can’t sleep. Bored. This has been a post.
Anyone on and wanna send me asks? I could use the distraction.
May have just had a breakdown where I was basically like “I can’t stay in treatment for as long as I need to, so I shouldn’t even fucking bother going cause it’s like spending thousands of dollars on something that has a very small chance of working out for the better.”
My head is spinning. I just don’t want to do the wrong thing. I really feel like I’m not going to be able to get what I need out of this place in the time that we can pay for - I don’t want this all to be for nothing.
I wish there was a safe place for all the people like me to go to. Where we could just get help and heal and paste everything back together and then move on.
Helped my mom with her paper route, it took so long. We delivered all the cards I made though. So now I’m really tired and I go to get into bed and the little cat comes into my room. I think “oh this is nice, she wants to snuggle.” but no, the little brat pees on my bed! This is becoming a big problem, stupid cat.
FYI, if you search google/ tumblr you will find some lower cost treatment options. Spending retirement savings doesn't seem like the best financial option when others are available. Keep fighting, you can recover.
I appreciate the tip. There’s a few reasons why treatment would be so expensive for me personally.
1 I need a residential setting and my insurance won’t cover residential. I’ve tried working on things in an outpatient setting but I get really suicidal/unsafe qhen we go anywhere near trauma work. Which brings me to…
2 I need a place that has experience with trauma and ptsd. Which really narrows down the list of places I can go. I need to do intensive trauma work to deal with the years of psychological and sexual abuse I’ve been through in order to move on with my life. The ED and other behaviors are coping skills (shitty ones) for the ptsd so we need to primarily work on the ptsd.
3 I need to be in the program for months. I just have a lot of trauma to work through, and that’s going to take time. And leaving before I’m ready, with open wounds like that would not be good.
I’m doing everything I can think of to lessen the financial burden for my family. I started a fundraiser. I’ve applied for treatment scholarships. I’m trying to prepare myself to maximize my time in treatment.
If you want to send me info about cheaper programs that’s cool with me. But I’ve also spent months goggling to find a place that’ll help me so be prepared for my response to be why I already ruled that place out.
I’m probably going back to treatment in a few weeks. Maybe. Possibly. If I do it’ll mean spending my mom’s retirement savings to try to get better. But I’m not even sure it’ll pay for me to be there long enough. But I don’t know what other choice I have other than sitting here and being miserable. Though maybe I should do that cause I’m afraid I won’t get better and I’ll just have wasted all that money.
We have like this understanding that I want to go back to treatment, I just want to go after the holidays (if I can last that long.) But the whole “we might not have enough money even with the retirement savings” thing, we’re not really talking about. She doesn’t want me to worry about it but right now it’s all I can think about.
I know we need to just have the damn conversation I’m just really afraid that the reality isn’t going to be pretty.
Good question… I have no idea.
I am a superhuman freak. I’ve been crazy exhausted for weeks„ not able to stay awake for more than like, 4 hours or so a day. They drew labs on me over a week ago after I’d barely eaten for 2 days and I just talked to them - everything came back normal. WTF?
This is ridiculous.
Well she technically didn’t know that was all I’d had to eat… Eating disorders: where you trick people into thinking you’re overeating when you’re really restricting.
Food is stupid.